For the past two days, I have been travelling and doing many crazy things. The journey has been hectic. Several things have not gone according to plan. Normally, such situations should have made me tense.
But strangely, I have not felt much stress or pressure.
Instead, I have felt active, alert and alive.
It reminded me of how my life used to be before I had children. Back then, there were challenges too. Things went wrong, plans changed and uncertainty was always present. But I kept moving. I made decisions, found solutions and continued with the day.
I did not carry every challenge inside my head.
During this journey, I suddenly met that version of myself again.
The challenges had not disappeared. The difference was that I was moving through them. Every situation required an immediate action—a phone call, a decision, a change of route or a new plan. My mind had something real to work on.
At home, the pressure feels different.
Parenting comes with constant responsibility. There are expectations, repeated discussions and very little mental space. Pressure between husband and wife over parenting can make even an ordinary day feel heavy. The same subjects return repeatedly, but they do not always have an immediate solution.
When I cannot act, my mind starts thinking.
Then it thinks about the thinking.
Slowly, one concern becomes a loop, and the loop follows me throughout the day.
Travel seems to interrupt that pattern. It gives me movement, novelty and the freedom to make small decisions on my own. My attention shifts from what might happen to what is happening in front of me.
Perhaps this is why I feel lighter even when the journey itself is difficult.
This experience has made me realise something important:
I may not be tired of responsibility. I may be tired of having responsibility without enough freedom, movement or recovery.
That does not mean my family is the source of my unhappiness. It means I may have allowed one part of my identity—the independent, curious and adventurous part—to become too small.
Maybe I do not need to escape from my present life.
Maybe I need to bring some of my travelling self back into it.
A few hours alone. A drive without an agenda. Working from a different place. Meeting someone. Exploring something unfamiliar. Or simply having time during which I am not continuously on duty.
These two days have reminded me that the old version of me has not disappeared.
He was not gone.
He was only waiting for some space to move again.
